Sunday, July 20, 2008
Living the Questions
I must admit that I grapple with Palmer’s(2007) notion of living the questions that make up the paradox of teaching. I can and do live with questions everyday of my life, but the idea of living the questions is something I have trouble wrapping my mind around. How does one do this? Palmer suggests that asking how “is not a question that can be answered, for it is done in the teacher’s heart: holding the tension of opposites is about being, not doing” (p.88). The state of being that Palmer refers to is not one that I have yet achieved. My heart is restless, patience is not one of my best virtues, and I am constantly wrestling with questions. I know I teach with and from my heart, but I am not in harmony with my questions. I accept and often wonder at the many paradoxes involved in education, but often times they do leave me unsettled. Why have I not been able to engage this particular student? Or why did one retreat go well and another not so well? Why does one class test my patience and another fuel my passion? Why do some students love a retreat while others find it totally boring? Why have I felt totally fulfilled, driven, and satisfied with my life as a teacher one day and defeated, set adrift, and lost the next? My reflections on these questions have occasionally led me to discover new insights into my life, my character, and my teaching. However, these reflections usually lead me to more questions that I cannot answer. My frustration at times can be maddening, but ultimately I find peace by trying to let go and turn the questions over to God. Is that what Palmer means by living the questions? If so, then maybe I am, but I would not describe it as a constant state of being. For me, it is a way of being that I strive toward, sometimes finding success other times failure.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
I am still pondering the workload you carry at Gonzaga, Brendan. And I thought I carried a big bucket for Rockhurst. I'm amazed that you can live with the paradoxical reality of your intense workload serving to make yourself more affectively present to the students. At what point does our workload hinder our ability to be present to the kids and faculty who need us the most. When faculty, parents, or kids come up and ask to talk or go to confession, I can see the bigger picture immediately. But I wonder at times how many smaller moments I've missed by being task-driven.
Excellent reflection, Brendan; you are honest and you know yourself well and that's a great step. You are absolutely right; the best way to "live the questions" is to surrender to them, to find peace in knowing that you don't know the answers at times and you may not need to know them. We try to let go and let God; turning the questions over to God as you stated. You say that your heart is restless and that's fine and super. We are all like that some way, somehow. St. Augustine of Hippo says in his book the "Confessions," "You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you." Palmer writes in this chapter "Hidden Wholeness:" "Some uncomprehended law holds us at a point of contradiction where we have no choice, where we do not like that which we love, where are good and bad are inseperable partners impossible to tell apart, and where we - heart-broken and ecstatic - can only resolve the conflict by blindly taking it up into our hearts. This used to be called being in the hands of God. Has anyone any better words to describe it?"(90). Keep up the great work you are doing at Gonzaga High School, Washington, D.C.
Brendan,
As I read your reflections, I wondered if it was possible that you do not see the fact that you are consistently living out the paradox of teaching. It seems that if nothing else, you are in a constant state of evaluation and response to what is happening in your work and in your life, particularly as these relate to each other. The tension may be not having the answers you would like to have, but that is part of the paradox, there are no answers to them in that sense. I believe that your openness to being as authentic as you possibly can be as a teacher and as a campus minister is evidence that the paradox in being wrestled with where it should be, in your heart. Take courage!!!
I know exactly how you feel. How do I constantly live the questions internally, while projecting an external happy go lucky attitude? How does one grapple with the tensions while teaching the students before us? There are days when I want the Cliff notes version to the answers to the questions, and then there are the days where I want to wrestle with the questions for hours. Perhaps that is apart of our vocation as teachers.
Dear Brendan,
You have such an insightful heart. I found myself restless with this calling too. Teaching asks us to go more and more into our searching for the "right" answers but at the same time we know it is not about "right" or "wrong". But perhaps we just have to experience the teaching moments to the best we can and only can reflect upon it after they passed by and wondered if we could have done better.
Sr. An Tam
Post a Comment